just to love and be loved in return

Some of my favorite movie quotes on love

Moulin Rouge: Toulouse says "The greatest thing you ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Tristan + Isolde: Isolde says, "I want to know that you're alive somewhere thinking of me from time to time."

Isolde reads "...My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears, And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; Where can we find two better hemispheres Without sharp north, without declining west? Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally; If our two loves be one, or thou and I Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die."

Tristan says, "I don't know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either."

Ever After: Leonardo says. "I shall leave walking on water to the Son of God. Fortunately I tripped over an angel."

Pride and Prejudice: Mr Darcy says, "Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you... I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony." and then " I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand."

Mr Darcy also says, "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Stardust: Yvaine says, "You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

Ashley says: "your heart in exchange for mine" - how powerful is that? to give someone your heart? Love is giving someone the ability to break your heart but trusting them not to. that is the key, trust. it all boils down to trust. every love story ever written has the underlying theme of trust. breaking through the barriers of trust and fear to love, above all to love.

Good Mom Bad Mom

Ever watch the crime shows and they play good cop bad cop? Well since its just me raising Grace I get to be both mom and dad. I get to be the one who loves her and the one who disciplines her. I hate disciplining her. But she will never know what is wrong or right if she is not punished for bad behavior. I'm not talking about locking her in a dungeon and beating her (although at times she'd swear her room was a dungeon). What I'm talking about is making threats and spanking. I spank and sometimes she makes me mad enough to go the one step further. The step that scares the shit out of me. So I have to take a step back and cool myself down. I usually call my sister.

The meltdowns usually start over homework. Why is ONE page of homework so hard? She doesn't have to write a chapter in a book, she doesn't have gobs of reading to do. What is the big deal about homework. This time the meltdown was over homework but it was because she lied about it. She told the teachers and me that she didn't have any homework and she didn't write the assignments down so I had no idea what she was supposed to do.

Wednesday nights is Kids Club. She gets to have 2 hours of fun and I get to have 2 hours of me time. Because she lied she did not get to go. We came home and she started the crying because I told her I was mad at her. She crawled under her loft bed and sat there. I told her, you can sit here and cry for two hours like you usually do or you can make the choice to get your work done. If you get your work done then you have time to do other things. She was already grounded from the TV, computer and Nintendo ds. What else can I take away? What is going to make the biggest impact?

So I have to show her that I love her and then turn around and punish her for lying and deceiving. I get to play good cop bad cop and I hate it. I just want to be the good cop. I do tell her when she's having the meltdown "I still love you, I just don't like your attitude". I do love her and when I'm tired and feel like I can't go on another minute, she is the last straw. She is the person I get mad at when things don't go right and I hate that too. I wish I could be nice and good ALL the time.

The Man of My Dreams

A long time ago in a galaxy far away there was a man. A man named Peter Mars. He came in on his white horse after the Turkey boy left and swept me off my feet and out of my mind. My heart was given to him and I have yet to get it back to give to another. I know folks say not to live in the past but if you have thought about someone consistently does that make them the past? I know Jenny is dead but if I still think of her does that make her gone? Is it the same with him? I don't know. All I know is that I have new stuff running through my head because we finally reconnected through this wonderful and awful thing called the world wide web.

This man truly rocked my world and ruined me for any other man. I know this is silly to say over a 4 month relationship. After him any boyfriends I have had since then were just temporary. They just filled that lustful void. I had already given my heart away. My heart may still be in his hands but it could be another 20 years before my body will be and by then I may have met someone who will overshadow my missing heart. And time is a strange thing, it heals all wounds, it's the stuff life is made of, it's a companion that goes with us on a journey, and it can be an illusion.

All of my old feelings are resurfacing. I realize that nothing has changed between us. We are still able to talk about any topic. We still laugh together and we still cry. I have not been this moved by a man, ever. I understand that he is miles away and our being together again may never happen. I value the few moments that we have had lately.

He is Florentino and I am Fermina. Our two worlds collided once and we never forgot each other and due to circumstances beyond our control we cannot be together. Worlds apart yet always together.

If this message was ever intended to influence anyone, let it be this, that you take away: You may only get one chance at true love. If you and another feel strongly about each other, then take that leap and never let it go. Once it is lost, you may never get it back again.

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

The Management of Emotion

They have a course called "Anger Management" somewhere. I don't know where because I haven't needed it. What about a course on "Emotion Management." Right now it is not just about the anger it is about the whole spectrum of emotions. I'm tired (and broke). I have been trying to work out for about 30 minutes a day about every other day. Not much by fitness standards, but MILESTONES for me. I despise exercise. I like eating, sometimes too much. There in lies a battle of massive proportion. So right now I have aches in places that I didn't think I had. So when I'm tired, I don't do housework, I yell at Grace all the time and every little thing gets to me.

Tonight I went to a meeting. The auditorium that this meeting is in is not very big and for my enormous butt it is not very comfortable. I sat in a spot where I thought no one else would go to. I was mistaken. I left my seat to go take something to the front and I came back and someone was sitting in my seat. But that's not the part that pissed me off. When I picked up my purse and moved two seats down the fella says something about me moving. I told him I just like to have my space. I'm not a mind reader and I don't know any psychics that could help with that, but I got the feeling he was kind of hurt that I moved. Truthfully, I don't care. But whenever I get the vibe of hurting someone or feel like I'm being confronted, I get defensive and I spend the wasted effort of justifying myself. When someone questions my actions or intentions I immediately do this.

It boils down to thinking too much. If I could just accept what is thrown at me without any thought whatsoever I think I would be a happier person. But I spend that extra energy making up excuses for whatever emotion I have. I feel like I need to validate the feelings. So by making excuses whether verbally or mentally, I still make them. So I need to attend "Emotion Management" classes.

Word/Definition for the day - Excuse(s) - A reason(s) alleged for the doing or not doing a thing or things.

Control Freak or What?

I find it hard to let myself release control to anyone much less God. I am always trying to control whatever situation I find myself in. How do you let go of control and lift it up to that higher power? How do I know for sure that he/she will take care of me? I’ve taken care of me for so long, alone with no help.

Maybe it all boils down to trust and faith. Maybe I can’t let myself give in to trust in that higher power. The very definition of Trust is to rely on the truthfulness and accuracy of something; to rely on something confidently. Maybe that is the root of my trust, that I don’t have the confidence in others to rely on them or that I doubt their truthfulness.

I have very few friends that I have allowed into the inner sanctum of my heart; very few friends that know the true me. They are the people I go to when I need to share myself, whether that be happy or sad.

I am a sensory person. I have to be able to touch someone to trust in them. They have to be concrete. I believe this is why I have trouble giving control to that higher power. I will never truly be a child of Christ or God if I can’t relinquish the reins. Some say it is not enough to just believe they exist, that you have to give yourself completely to that power. That makes me wonder if I will ever see my beloved sister at the gates of heaven.

Will I spend my after life in torture of being controlled by others?

Writer's Block etc

So, I've not been writing like I intended. I did about 25 pages and I got stuck. It's the same with exercising. I want to exercise most days, other days I just want to retreat to my bedroom with my latest sexy vampire novel. I think that I thought it would be SO easy. It takes committment and I realized that I'm afraid of committment. I'm afraid to take the steps it takes to move forward. Everything I've done it seems I quit doing soon after I start. The only thing I have continually kept up with is jewelry making. I love making that. And maybe because it doesn't feel like work is why I like it. It relaxes me. But writing to me is work. I can't get my head around it sometimes. I believe because it means I put too much thought into what i put down. If I write like I think, it's much easier. But my tendency is to edit while I write and then I perseverate over the plot or the fact that what I've written makes no sense in the story.

Committment by definition is the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action. I am afraid of the binding myself to anyone or anything. If I write the book then I am committing myself to potential failure by it not being good or published. If I commit to a relationship then I give in to the potential failure of that as well. I guess all in all I'm afraid of failure period. If I don't try then I won't fail. It all boils down to FEAR.

The only way to conquer fear is to address it head on. But how do you conquer fear over something so elusive as men?

To the moon and back again

Well it's been awhile since I've written here. I kept thinking it was a dead art. But I realize that if I don't write every so often I lose touch with everything.

I have been reading A LOT lately. Going back and forth between Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark Hunter books to Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry series. There's so much material to cover. I find myself opening the books as I lay down to bed and before I know it it's midnight and I have to be up at 6 or 7ish. Lately it's been 7ish.

Today I woke at 5:45. On purpose. I have been aspiring to write about my experiences on ships. I have two quandaries about this. Some of it is personal and some of it is made up. I think I just need to write about it then go from there as to what to do with the information. There are people in my experiences that could be hurt but at the same time, what I write about them might be fictional. Of course the names will change and I may have to change some nationalities because my circle of friends was distinct. I have friends from Norway, Holland, England, Ireland, Germany, and of course the USA. So if I write about these people as they are from these various countries, folks will know it's them.

So I woke at 5:45 to write 2 pages. I realize that I am not a morning person and I think that I might write better right before bed but that goes into my reading time. On Laurell K. Hamilton's blog she wrote about her process and that she sat down every morning at 5 am and wrote 2 pages. So I couldn't sleep last night and I sat down at 9pm and wrote 3 pages. She also said not to edit it, just write it. I also got up this morning and wrote 2 more pages. I tested it and I think better at night. It might also help me wind down. I'll test both and maybe alternate weeks. I hope to have a workable piece by spring.

Friendships and Men ARGH!

I've not posted in a while and I had just about given up this whole blog thing but I have to put this out there>>>

I'm mad. Yes mad. I just realized that because I'm a single woman who has a child I'm pegged as someone who is trying to "find a man". Having a man would be nice. But I've lived this long without one. I think I could handle going a bit longer without one. What I want most is companionship. Male friendships. But men won't give you a chance if they know you're single and looking. So I'm offically "not looking" anymore. Can't a man and woman just go out and have a good time as friends without the idea of the ominous "relationship". Yes it could potentially enter both of their minds, but does it have to be said out loud?

What I want is to just hang out with guy friends and not have to think every minute that they are worrying whether or not I'm wanting a dad for my daughter or that i'm looking for a husband. Hell it would be nice just to have a shag occasionally but because I'm a single mother I have to self protect. I don't want my daughter to be brought up with men coming in and out of our lives like that.

To be quite honest, being in a relationship is hard work. I'm not sure I could handle more than a friendship. But in order to even get to the "friendship" part, You men HAVE to get over this idea that women just want a husband.

So I'm just going to be me and if you like me and you want to be my friend that's great! If you don't, well then you don't have to be my friend.