Friendships and Men ARGH!

I've not posted in a while and I had just about given up this whole blog thing but I have to put this out there>>>

I'm mad. Yes mad. I just realized that because I'm a single woman who has a child I'm pegged as someone who is trying to "find a man". Having a man would be nice. But I've lived this long without one. I think I could handle going a bit longer without one. What I want most is companionship. Male friendships. But men won't give you a chance if they know you're single and looking. So I'm offically "not looking" anymore. Can't a man and woman just go out and have a good time as friends without the idea of the ominous "relationship". Yes it could potentially enter both of their minds, but does it have to be said out loud?

What I want is to just hang out with guy friends and not have to think every minute that they are worrying whether or not I'm wanting a dad for my daughter or that i'm looking for a husband. Hell it would be nice just to have a shag occasionally but because I'm a single mother I have to self protect. I don't want my daughter to be brought up with men coming in and out of our lives like that.

To be quite honest, being in a relationship is hard work. I'm not sure I could handle more than a friendship. But in order to even get to the "friendship" part, You men HAVE to get over this idea that women just want a husband.

So I'm just going to be me and if you like me and you want to be my friend that's great! If you don't, well then you don't have to be my friend.

The price of a dollar

How much is a dollar worth today? How can I stretch it to cover 5 whole weeks? We have two months in a row that are technically 5 weeks. I don't live extravagantly. I rarely buy things for myself. So when I get some extra $$ like income tax returns and this stimulus check, I usually buy myself something nice. However with the extra money we will be getting from brother Bush, I am going to buy a new car. No the entire check will not even cover a new car but it will cover some of the down payment or even the sales tax.

The part that is anxiety provoking is getting a car payment that I can't afford. Or being suckered into a car that doesn't get good gas mileage or hold my camping gear. I just have to be prepared to walk away.

I was in a desperate situation last time and I walked away with the worst deal ever, and no a/c in the car. They wanted to tack on $50 more to the car payment to install the a/c. So my anxieties are up and have been for a while now just thinking about getting a new car.

It's like after I pay all the bills for the month, I have about $200 to spend on groceries and what not. It's not much to live on for 5 weeks. So how do I stretch that $200 as far as it will go?

Life's not as bad as it seems :)

Ok. So my last post is nothing compared to what the folks in Greensburg Kansas experienced. They lost everything. It flattened the entire town. Can you imagine having to rebuild everything?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6628613.stm

I am about to go car shopping again. It's an anxiety provoking event. I get excited thinking about getting a new car but then my fears sink in about financing it. If I buy a new car, I'll have a car payment and likely higher insurance. I am pretty sure I can handle either of these but its the what if's that get me all worked up. It's part of the reason I've not bought a house yet. If there was a significant other it might be different. There would be two incomes coming in and I wouldn't have to worry so much about bills all the time. I wouldn't mean I could go out and do anything I wanted but it would allow for some wiggle room in finances. Right now it's tight! I need to know that everything is going to be ok.

I also know that this cannot last forever. I just have to be patient and give my worries to a higher power. Because in order to have peace of mind, I have to resign as the general manager of the universe.

Ashley

The War Zone

Well now that my anxieties have lessened, I think I might be able to write about it. On April 3, we came the closest to ever being hit by a tornado.

It was stormy and I was watching the news. Grace came and crawled in bed with me because the storm was so bad. I'm glad I let her. The power went out which meant no TV. The tornado sirens started the minute the cloud hit Pulaski County. My brother called and asked if I'd heard from mom and dad. I had not but assured him that they were ok. Because nothing bad ever happens. After I spoke with him I decided we'd better get back to bed. I'd gotten up to get something and grace followed me. I was at the door to the bedroom and I heard this big whoosh. It sounded like a big toilet flushing. I pushed Grace into the bathroom and said get in there. By the time we made it in...it was over.

I went outside and saw a tree down in our yard. I said "oh my a tree fell down". Then I looked up to the skyline and ALL the trees were gone. I started to freak out. Just 10 minutes ago I was assuring my brother that everything was fine and here I was being the biggest hippocrite. Everything was not fine. My parents were ok but after I realized what had just happened I was not fine. I wanted to leave but couldn't. I couldn't have gotten out if I wanted to - all the streets were blocked.

Within a few hours the fire and rescue crews were out estimating damages and chopping up trees that had fallen across the road. It was traumatic. It pales in comparison to what would have happened if it had touched down. But still traumatic none the less. Just knowing how close it came. It was an F1 or F2 tornado that skimmed the tree line. Anything that was over 50 ft was pulled out of the ground like a daisy. Then was hoisted onto whatever was in its path. Most of the houses suffered damage from the trees and not high winds. The next door neighbor had both of their cars crushed with a 60 ft oak tree. And the neighbors across the street have about 10 trees piled in their ravine.

Needless to say when storms approach I get anxious now. Especially since I work in a Trailer. I will be in this trailer until Dec. So I apologize to all my office mates if I seem a little jumpy during thunderstorms.

Love and blah blah blah

We went to eat at mikey and jennifer's house yesterday. We all sat down to dinner and grace said something about having babies or marriage or something of that sort. Then someone asks her "What do you have to say about it?"

She responds that first you have to get a boyfriend then you go on a date. Then its blah blah blah then you get married and then have babies. We asked her what the blah blah blah meant. She said Love, Love, Love. So for the rest of the night anything that had to do with the period of time between dating and marriage was blah blah blah. Where does she come up with this stuff?!?!?

My daughter is so funny. I love her to pieces.

SNOW DAY!!!

Every year it snows. I try to take a picture of Grace's shoe and mine in the snow. Here is this year's photo. My her feet have grown!!



Snow Angel! If you look close you can see a face!


Our little snow girl and boy!

Gracie and the lizards

Grace has gotten good at catching lizards, frogs, catepillars, turtles, etc. She loves these things. She won't touch a roach or an ant. But she'll look for hours for the less creepy critters. My mom said she caught six this past weekend. My child - the future herpetologist or entomologist. Go figure?!?!

They give me the willies.